Marketing People are Pod People
It doesnâ€™t take long to realize that marketing people don’t come from the same gene pool as the rest of us. Blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled physiques, vapid stares, marketing plans that make absolutely no sense… they all add up to a whole new species. Case in point, Iâ€™m going to a press event next month for a speaker manufacturer. I wonâ€™t mention the name but the event is held in Boston. Now this Acoustics company is announcing, um, something I guess, I have no idea. Gene asked if I wanted to go and I lied and said yes. The same day he asked I got in the mail, from the marketing firm I suppose, a lobster bib and two lobster crackers. Hey, Iâ€™m all about lobster so maybe this isnâ€™t such a bad idea right?
OK, so Iâ€™m working with the dude that is scheduling my fight (who, by the way, refused to do it over the phone so what would take 5 minutes is taking two weeks and numerous emails) and he keeps scheduling them over the dinner. Dude, the whole selling point for me is the dinner so Iâ€™m getting a little irritated. Of course, these things are full of useless giveaways (I got the full financial report from B&O when I visited them â€“ like I care) and they want to know what size windbreaker I want.
Um… live in Florida… I have no idea. And am I going to need one? Why would I want one? Where are you taking me that Iâ€™ll be needed a windbreaker? I donâ€™t know what the weather is like in Boston at night (right now nights are in the high 60â€™s) but I wasnâ€™t under the impression that it was going to be that cool.
On top of that I get a box from them today. Was it the windbreaker? No. Lobster pot. Oh, yeah, thatâ€™s what I said; lobster pot. So Iâ€™ve got a bib, crackers, and a pot. At this point Iâ€™m not convinced that Iâ€™m going to be eating lobster at all during this trip. Any moment now Iâ€™m expecting an old salt to knock on the door with a dilapidated wooden crate full of lobster. â€œArg… â€˜Ere be yer Lobster, matie!â€ Which would be cool as I like cooking lobster but if they were just going to send me some, they could have skipped the flight, sent me the lobster, and lined the crate with the press releases as far as Iâ€™m concerned.
Now, to truly understand this, we must look at the big picture. Someone over there at that marketing firm said, â€œPeople will come if we tell them that lobster is involved.â€ Obviously this is true. But then it got taken to the illogical extreme. Do they just say, â€œCome and youâ€™ll get lobster?â€ No. Theyâ€™ve got to send you something that makes you realize they are offering lobster (bib and crackers). Thatâ€™s cool and I can understand that. But someone said, â€œIf we are sending them lobster crackers and bibs, we should send them a lobster pot too!â€
To quote a caveman, â€œUm… what?â€
This isnâ€™t a small pot. It isnâ€™t dainty. Itâ€™s 13.5â€ across and 8.5â€ high and holds 19 quarts (18 liters) of liquid. The scary part? Thereâ€™s a lip at the bottom that indicates that this pot is meant to be set inside an even larger pot! By the time this whole ordeal is done, I might have a full Red Lobster in my cupboards! And, if I may ask the obvious, what exactly has all this to do with speakers? Maybe they are putting out a waterproof speaker that can be boiled? Using a new enclosure made out of recycled lobster shells? Maybe their new tweeter goes so high only lobsters can hear it. I donâ€™t know. All I know is there is going to be one bitter Tom at the end of this if I donâ€™t eat my body weight in lobster on this little trip.