The Real Story

Dina Clarke AVRant Podcaster; Bravest Mammal in the World

Dina Clarke has had an interesting and varied life. Abandoned as a young child in the wilds of South Carolina, she was adopted by a flock of mosquitoes who saw her not only as a friend and protector but a food source. The buzzing often present in her voice, usually attributed to air escaping from her head, is actually an unfortunate accent picked up from those formative years. Living mostly on blood, bark, and Bonita (there was a rare terrestrial school in the woods), she wasn’t discovered until the age of 12 when she was caught shoplifting beer and porn from a local convenience shop. She watched in horror as her mosquito family, Buzzy, Bruzzy, Bluzzy, Puzzy, Muzzy, Fruzzy, and Bob were all wiped out before her eyes in a cloud of noxious Raid fumes. She attacked the store owner, savagely biting his neck, hand, and that soft part on the opposite side of the elbow.

The authorities were immediately called and she was taken to the zoo. It took weeks for the swelling to go down enough from a lifetime of mosquito bites for the zoo keepers to realize that she was NOT in fact an on-land relative of the manatee that had survived hereto undiscovered. It took another year for the zookeeper to actually admit he was wrong and let her out of the 2.3 million dollar enclosure they had built for her. Dina spent the next few years bouncing around different halfway and foster homes until she met the man of her dreams. Tom was everything she’d ever looked for in a male but he was only passing through on his way to a family reunion. Her heart broken, she fell back on her distant second cousin, J.

J has treated Dina well even though deep down he knows she is just waiting for the right moment to drain his blood and get back to her mosquito roots. He wears Deep Woods Off to bed which has worked so far but he fears it is only a matter of time. In an effort to socialize her and get her interested in staying with humanity, he’s bribed, cajoled, and, in the case of Tom, blackmailed his co-workers into involving her in their podcast. Reluctantly agreeing, so far Dina has proved a surprising success in that she has a) showed up and b) refrained from dropping f-bombs every other word like she does off the air.

  1. June 7th, 2007 at 10:41 | #1

    I can’t believe I haven’t gotten any comments on this one yet!

  2. majorloser
    June 7th, 2007 at 18:14 | #2

    Why? It’s perfect!

  3. hopjohn
    July 19th, 2007 at 16:15 | #3

    After this poking, I’m thinking A & B are pretty much a thing of the past. 🙂

  4. June 25th, 2010 at 11:11 | #4

    Just found this deep in the bowels of AVrant… who ever wrote this is a genius.

  5. September 23rd, 2010 at 14:08 | #5

    Lol just found this. Nice one.

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